I haven’t updated this thing in over six months and it’s always embarrassing forgetting about a commitment that I had made to myself. I have given up on a number of commitments that I’ve made to myself and it seems only natural that I would forget about this one.
I was skimming over my old posts and got really upset with just how helpless I sounded. Don’t get me wrong, I have always struggled with my weight. I probably always will struggle with my weight, but particularly the posts about not fitting into plane and train seats and struggling with the decision to have (or not to have) weight loss surgery really upset me. I can’t help but feel such a sense of desperation, almost.
That’s not where I am, anymore.
Since I’ve last written, I finally got the courage to go to the gym. How simple is that? Well, for someone weighing as much as I weighed, it wasn’t that simple. The gym has always intimidated me; I never felt comfortable there but with the job I’ve had for the past year, I have a free gym membership so I finally decided to use it. What a change that has made in my life. I feel like I sent 400 emails to the Health & Wellness Director trying to obtain a sense of comfort and belonging. Luckily, she was amazing and got me set up with a weight loss competition and I ended up doing really well. I didn’t win, but I still achieved quite a goal. If we are being completely honest here, though, I totally could have won. I put my heart and soul into the first six weeks and then kind of fell off the bandwagon for the last two weeks. Self-sabotage? Yes, that’s my M.O. It always has been!
But I’m not helpless, anymore. I’m not desperate. I know what I’m doing and I know what I need to do and I know what I need to not do. I also now know that when I self-sabotage, I can’t give up. I can’t take one, two, three, four, or five “bad” meals and say “forget it” and revert back to my old habits. Bad weeks happen; especially for women. Everyone knows that there’s that wonderful little occurrence once per month that causes some of us to eat like maniacs for seven days straight, but that’s ok. I’ve reframed my thinking and those “bad days/weeks” are just blips now. In the grand scheme of my life, eating one disgustingly unhealthy meal at Wendy’s is not going to undo all of the hard work that I’ve done. That’s not realistic.
I feel great. I’m doing much more than just cardio these days. Previously, I’ve never really been one to do any kind of strength training because I just didn’t know how, but since the weight loss competition began in March, I have been working with a personal trainer who has really shown me how to use the gym – aside from just walking on the treadmill (in fact, we have only used the treadmill like twice, maybe). Parts of my body feel harder and I can see more definition. I was brushing my teeth the other day and saw a little muscle in my arm that I’ve never seen before! And when I wear leggings, I can see an outline of a muscle in my thigh that wasn’t ever there before!
So, I go to the gym, I use the equipment, I walk in confidently, I know what I need, and I get it and enjoy my workouts. When I’m not at the gym, I utilize the cemetery near my apartment and run or walk in there, and it feels great.
I’ve recently registered for the Tufts Health Plan 10k for Women and I couldn’t be more excited. I started using a 10k training guide and am working closely with my personal trainer to ensure that I’m ready to finish strong. I’m almost finished with my first full week of 10k training and I feel great. I’ve got my long run today (3 miles) and I’m feeling really excited for it. Friday, I ran my first full outdoor mile in years and I almost cried. I can’t even put into words the sense of accomplishment I felt. I love seeing progress. Every time I have training, I say to my trainer, “Remember when I couldn’t even run for 5 minutes straight?” or “When I first started, I couldn’t even hold a plank for 3 seconds!” I love seeing that kind of progress. Nothing feels better than that. And when I finish my 10k, I’ll be the first to say, “Remember when I couldn’t even fathom finishing a 10k?”
I can’t wait.